It's taken me a while to write this post. The emotions are all tied up with my current situation, and some of what I went through is hard to express. First of all, the biggest thing I realized about half way through my days with Interferon is, I was going to live and, I was living. Some things were hard but I was still thoroughly enjoying our sons AAA Hockey days. The games, the tournaments, the people, Melanoma and Interferon did not take that away. Our daughter was at university and though, my experience of taking her there was clouded by Interferon, now I talked to her, visited her and even helped her through her inevitable bout of homesickness and indecision, treatment didn't take being a Mom away. I got to spend time with our oldest son who was off school for a year because I was home and had the time to talk to him with undivided attention. As I contemplate those days I wonder if some of the conversations we had, helped him become the responsible, loving father and husband he is today. In general, I realized, there were some good things happening even though I was going through the worst challenge I had ever faced. Realizing that good things were happening during treatment made me realize that there were going to be good things happening after treatment was done. The question was, could I, or did I even want to go back to "normal"
The truth was I could never go back. Melanoma had changed me. When I finished my treatment I knew my prognosis as a IIIA was good but I also knew that I was at high risk for recurrence. Was I going to just wait for that to happen or was I going to put that away and use the strength and insight I had found to challenge myself. I chose to challenge. I went back to school at 49 years old in a completely different field than I had been working in, Healthcare. A nearby community college offered a one year, PSW, certificate program so I signed up. It turned out that I could still excel at learning, though my concentration abilities had suffered from the Interferon. Even though I struggled a little at first, I found that the more I studied the more the "chemo fog" cleared. Though the "book" part of the program was essentially easy for me I was struggling with the skills part. The part where I actually had to practice providing care for patients. The first thing that helped me turn that around were two projects, one a presentation with a partner and the other a ten page research paper on a subject of my choice. Both were focused on Melanoma. In the research project I presented the new treatment and testing options that were being studied and were set to change the face of Melanoma treatment. That gave me hop and established my practice of following current research and changes in the treatment of Melanoma. The presentation focused on the incidence of Melanoma, prevention and how it wasn't "just skin cancer" We opened with a video " 16 Year Old Me' . The video is pretty shocking but not as shocking as when I asked the class of roughly 50, if they knew anyone who had been diagnosed with Melanoma. Nobody did but then I told them now they did know someone I could see the range of emotions and questions on their faces. We finished the rest of the presentation and opened it up for questions. The presentations that were to follow were delayed to next class because of the questions. I answered all, openly and feeling so comfortable and passionate in my desire to help prevent anyone from going through my experience by educating. Public speaking and sharing my experiences were never something I was comfortable with at all! Now I was doing both with no fear and this gave me a confidence I had never had. The second thing that turned me around was a little harder and took a little longer.
We all had to do a practical placement in a nursing home in order to graduate. When we first met our clinical supervisors we all shared why we had chose to take this course. I shared my Melanoma diagnosis and how it had lead me to a desire to be in profession of helping people but she seemed to have reservations that I was emotionally or physically ready to do the job. As any student I was nervous, but eager to please but being me I was never afraid to ask why when faced with what I saw as a conflict. We got off on the wrong foot and it descended from there. Now I look back, as one with experience in the job, and know I was put in impossible situations that were set up for failure, but at the time I was kind of "shell shocked" and embarrassed to tell my friends what was going on. I had always been a friendly person but very reserved, especially about what I saw as my own failure. Asking for help was never my strong suit. Even when my clinical supervisor asked if I had a learning disability because personal notes were messy, I still didn't stand up for myself. The supervisor failed me and I was ready to accept that but my acceptance only lasted for an hour. I finally told my friends and in their reactions I saw what was happening. I was being bullied and set up for failure and should not accept that. There was a loophole, because the final placement in a nursing home with assigned preceptors had, at the time no prerequisites I was able to complete that part of the course and received great recommendations from the staff, supervisors and my new clinical supervisor. I used those recommendations to appeal the failing grade and it was overturned by the Dean of Health Sciences. Before having Melanoma I would never have shared my failure or fought that decision. I graduated, and started working with adults with acquired brain injuries and I found out I was good at my job. The experience of being the one requiring care instilled in me an empathy that I would never of had otherwise. Melanoma took a piece of my body and soul but it gave me back more courage and understanding that I ever would have had without that diagnosis.
I am still working in healthcare. I have been guest speaker at new patient information sessions, have continued in school, been support for others diagnosed both unofficially on forums and chats and as a peer support for The Melanoma Network of Canada. So many things that give me joy and purpose that I do now, I never would have done without having Melanoma. It's a part of my life and part of who I am but it does not define me. The biggest thing I discovered half way through treatment was that I did not and would not call myself a "survivor", I do more than just survive and am still thriving even though I live with Melanoma. It was a blow to move from the No Evidence of Disease to recurrence but I am still thriving, still hoping, still confident that I will have joy and love and give both back as well as hope. This post has pretty much covered my Melanoma experience from the middle of treatment almost nine years ago to just a couple months ago when I found a lump in the left groin where I had my lymph nodes removed. Writing about what has brought me to this point has helped me face what I had placed in the back corner of my mind, recurrence, and I believe it will help me as I go through the days to come. I hope it will give you, who might be reading it, hope, information whatever you need. I have surgery slated for January 7th 2019 so my next post will start with there.
